10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Will Ruin Society [humor]

Tomorrow, I have the opportunity to testify to the Indiana Senate in opposition to a proposed amendment to the Constitution of the State of Indiana that would ban gay marriage as well as civil unions. Here is some of what I wish I could say:

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans™ always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Note that I'm not the author of the foregoing list and, unfortunately, I cannot find the notes that I made when I originally found and copied the list.

Public Service Announcement: Protect Insurance Companies!

 

As a bonus, here’s a very interesting clip of CNN’s Rick Sanchez taking Fox News to task. Watch the whole clip so that you don’t miss the surprise “in your face” ending.

A Few Interesting Nuggets Regarding Republican Reactions to President Obama's Healthcare Speech

I wanted to briefly share a few interesting nuggets of information about some of the Republican reactions to President Obama's speech last night to a joint session of Congress.

First, I'm sure that everyone has heard about Rep. Joe Wilson (R-South Carolina) shouting "You lie!" at President Obama as the President was, in fact, correctly debunking a right-wing lie. Well, according to ActBlue (a Democratic fundraising website), Rep. Wilson's 2010 Democratic challenger, Iraq War veteran Rob Miller, has raised over $150,000 since Rep. Wilson's outburst last night. Let's hope more Republicans like Rep. Wilson open their mouths, too.

It was also interesting to see House Minority Whip Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) typing away on his BlackBerry instead of listening to President Obama's speech. A few days before the speech, in an interview with The Washington Times, Cantor was asked about Republican behavior for President Obama's speech (internal links omitted):

Cantor and I talked about how Republicans would behave, and I asked if it would be like a State of the Union when they sit on their hands or hiss for parts they don't agree with.

I also asked Cantor if there were going to be any "no Tweeting" rules for Republicans, since some of them had busy thumbs during Obama's winter quasi-State of the Union address.

"I don’t think we’re going to be guiding the caucus to boo or applaud or whatever. We’re all going to be very attentive," he said.

[Rep. John] Culberson is a frequent user of the Twitter machine, as I noted in a story examining the GOP's social media strategy.

Will the caucus tell Culberson to cool it? I asked Cantor.

"No comment. I don’t think the American people are interested in that or not," he said, adding: "It is time for some adult behavior here."

Attentive adult behavior, huh? And just for yucks, it's also worth noting that back in March, Rep. Cantor apparently elected not to watch President Obama's press conference in order to attend a Republican fundraiser at a Britney Spears' concert. And he didn't even take his daughter.

Anyway, when I saw Rep. Cantor typing away on his Blackberry, I went to Twitter to see whether, and if so what, he was tweeting, and possibly to send him my thoughts. By the time I found him on Twitter (he wasn't tweeting at the time), there were already numerous posts scolding him for his attention to his BlackBerry and inattention to President Obama. I decided to take a slightly different approach and tweeted this:

Do you use your Blackberry during Kol Nidre, too?

Finally, for those who watched Rep. Charles Boustany (R-Louisiana) offer the Republican response (of course to "respond" shouldn't you first "listen"...?) to President Obama's speech, there are few choice nuggets worth noting. First, it shouldn't come as any great surprise that Rep. Boustany took a strong position on tort reform; after all, he's been sued for medical malpractice several times and the State's medical compensation fund has had to pay out at least $1,800,000 for his conduct "below the acceptable standard of care" (and he settled another suit for an undisclosed sum). It is also worth noting that Rep. Boustany was apparently taken in by con artists from whom he attempted to buy a British royal title. He wanted to Lord Boustany! Rep. Boustany has also espoused "birther" views before endeavoring to disavow those same views. Oh, and get this: Rep. Boustany was a co-sponsor (!) of the proposal that Republicans have spent the summer criticizing as giving rise to "death panels" (forgetting that it was authored and co-sponsored by other Republicans).

I'd have to say that we saw a pretty strong performance from the Republican side last night, don't you?

Mitch Daniels Has Not Been Unfaithful!

Thomas at Capital Watchblog linked to this very funny faux news story from Olly's Onions:

At a tearful press conference, Indiana's Republican governor Mitch Daniels admitted that he has not been unfaithful to his wife, potentially scuppering his hopes of a run at the presidency in 2012. With a promising career in tatters, Daniels begged forgiveness of his family and party.

"I take strength from God, my daughters and my loving wife," Daniels said. "And I hope my fellow Republicans can forgive me for this shameful episode of not doing anything to be ashamed of."

The Republican party, long a bastion for white men that privately indulge in extra-marital affairs, prescription drug abuse, racism and approaches to underage boys while preaching strong family values, has been rocked by the revelations of a lack of revelations.

"It's a sad day for the party," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele says. "You think you can trust a fellow GOP man to go behind the back of everyone close to him and still advocate hypocritically for biblical moral values. But I guess there's always a few non-rotten apples in every barrel."

I couldn't resist reposting.

Where's Waldo ... er ... Gov. Sanford?

Some of you may have been following the odd disappearance of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. He apparently left last Thursday for destinations unknown (at least unknown to his wife and staff) and missed Father's Day with his four children (ooh, "family values"). His disappearance occurred shortly after he lost a battle (including a lawsuit) with South Carolina's legislature over accepting federal stimulus funds (he was one of the leading opponents of the federal government sending stimulus money to states -- along with Gov. Sarah Palin and Gov. Bobby Jindal). Gov. Sanford apparently took a state-owned vehicle but left his security detail behind. The original explanation was that he needed to get away to "write" and to finish some projects (good idea to keep those kinds of details from your wife...). His security detail tracked his cell phone to Atlanta (and query why his security detail was tracking his cell phone...). Late yesterday, it was "revealed" that Gov. Sanford has been hiking the Appalachian Trail (so much for writing or finishing projects...).

Anyway, a funny video compilation has now been released:



You have to wonder whether, when Gov. Sanford disappeared, any hopes that he might have had to be the Republican candidate for President in 2012 disappeared with him...

Take Pride in Literary Accomplishments

Sometimes people can -- and should -- be proud of small things. My wife's aunt has, for years, enjoyed writing for local publications (garden club and the social register, for example). She takes great joy and amusement from this endeavor and who can blame her. Well, now she has something of which she can be justifiably proud. One of her poems has been printed in the June 2009 issue of The Saturday Evening Post.

Just in case the text is too small in the scan, here is her poem:

And We Call Them Weeds

Don't be down on dandelions;
I'm not.
They have something to say,
And they mean a lot.
One morning you
look out,
And guess what appears?
All you can see are the little dears.
They pop up their colors
In bright yellow and green.
They're so
happy,
Never intending to be mean.
Dandelions were imported,
Those
versatile gems,
By colonists who cooked
And fermented even their stems.
How graceful bobbing their heads
In tune with the wind,
Knowing not
how soon
Their flock to be thinned.
Enjoy their short company,
Who
sleep from dusk to light.
And before you cut them all down,
Bid them all
a "Good night!"

--Pearl Joffe

How many of us can say that we've had our creative writing published in a magazine whose origins predate the birth of America?

Helping Republicans Apologize to Rush Limbaugh

Have you noticed over the last few days the number of Republicans who have criticized Rush Limbaugh only to retract those criticisms and apologize very quickly thereafter? It appears that, much as they may try to deny it, Limbaugh has indeed become the de facto spokesperson for the Republican Party and Republicans officials are showing themselves to be very wary of confronting their "leader". Well, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee has created a little web tool that should make those apologies a bit easier for Republicans. Go ahead, take a look.

Prop 8: The Musical

Jack Black, Neil Patrick Harris, Margaret Cho, Andy Richter, and others present: "Prop 8: The Musical"!

(The video is from Funny or Die which sometimes won't embed properly; if you can't watch it, click here to go to Funny or Die's website.)

Palin's Turkey Interview

I know that this has been posted all over the web, but for those who haven't seen it yet, I just couldn't resist. We've all seen our Presidents and Governors take time to "pardon" a lucky turkey each year before Thanksgiving (and what a great use of government time that is). It is one of those quaint little traditions that makes for a nice photo op. Well, last week, Gov. Palin pardoned a turkey in Alaska. Good for her. But it was what happened after she pardoned the turkey that is so ... I don't know ... it is hard to find the right word. Funny seems wrong but it was funny. Awkward? Disgusting? Well anyway, after pardoning the turkey, Gov. Palin went outside the turkey coop (is it a coop? house? hatchery?) to give an interview (and why has she been giving so many interviews now that the election is over?). The interviewer apparently asked her about the background (you'll see...) and Gov. Palin apparently responded "no worries" (that's Alaskan for hakuna matata) and the interview began.

So, without (much) further ado, here is Gov. Palin's interview. The video is from MSNBC. They have done us the favor of editing the video to make the images a bit more palatable (sorry for that pun). Below the first version of the video is the unedited version with bonus commentary from MSNBC's Keith Olbermann. If you can stand it, watch Keith's version; his narration is terrific.




Do you suppose, should Gov. Palin run for President in 2012, that this video might be shown again (and again and again and again)? Olbermann gets it just right in his summary of the video when, quoting someone else, says of Gov. Palin: "Not only is she the dumbest politician I've ever heard, but she doesn't even have a clue that she is the dumbest politician I've ever heard." You betcha!

Even More Humorous Campaign Videos (and a Serious One)

Once this election is over, I suspect that there will be quite a bit of withdrawal as the pipeline of new campaign videos dries up. But, the campaign isn't over yet, so here are a few new videos that caught my attention (two funny and one serious):




And on a more serious note:


Sally Anthony: "So Long"

One Way to Deal With Stolen Yard Signs

In the past, I've written about campaign yard signs (one for Sen. Clinton and one for Sen. Obama) that have been stolen. Yesterday, we heard from a friend that she has had several stolen, one thrown onto the roof of her house, and garbage thrown all over her yard. Another friend related that people in her neighborhood have had signs stolen and hate mail placed in their mailboxes. Nothing like civil discourse at work!

Anyway, I came across this photo showing a particularly inventive way to handle the problem of stolen yard signs:

Too bad I don't have a hill in my front yard!

Still More Videos

Les Miserables is one of my favorite musicals of all time (if not my absolute favorite). So, these terrific videos really caught my attention:




A popular Internet prank known as "Rickrolling" involves having people click on links that, instead of leading where the link claims, instead takes the person to a video of Rick Astley's '80s hit "Never Gonna Give You Up". So, with that in mind, check out this video:



Apparently, this is called "BarackRolling". YouTube certainly adds an entirely different complexion to election campaigns.

More Humorous Election Videos

Here are two more more humorous campaign videos that I've come across:

First, Ron Howard, Andy Griffith, and Henry Winkler reprise some very famous roles (sorry that younger readers will probably have no clue who any of these people are):



If the embedded video won't load, try this link to the video on Funny or Die.

Then there are these guys reprising their roles from the old Budweiser "Wassup" ads (I hated those ads...):



Update: Removed YouTube version of the Ron Howard video (it was removed from YouTube) and replaced it with the link from Funny or Die. I originally used the YouTube version because Funny or Die videos don't always embed properly.

38 Reasons People Might Vote for McCain

I saw this list in a post over on Daily Kos and thought that it was worth re-posting here (with a few minor edits...). If nothing, it was good for a few chuckles. So, here are 38 reasons people can give to explain why they might choose to vote for Sen. McCain or Congressional candidates:

1. I’m voting Republican because I want corporate America to have even more power over the government than it does now.
2. I’m voting Republican because I love to use roads, bridges, highways, mass transportation, and satellites for my GPS, without having to pay for them.
3. I’m voting Republican because I rely on the protection of the police and the fire department, the court system, the national guard, and our national military without wanting to pay for them either.
4. I’m voting Republican because I have too much money in my bank to be protected by the FDIC.
5. I’m voting Republican because I’m super-rich, and I need more tax breaks to make even more money.
6. I’m voting Republican because I have seven houses, and thirteen cars, just like the average American does!
7. I’m voting Republican because I complain about people in society constantly not being able to make my change after ordering a latte, or store employees not being able to speak English, and I’m not willing to pay to educate them properly.
8. I’m voting Republican because I believe that the rights of a group of dividing cells outweighs the rights of the woman carrying those cells, no matter what.
9. I’m voting Republican because some amendments of the “Bill of Rights” matter more than others, namely the Second amendment.
10. I’m voting Republican because I think CEOs of corporations should make my health care decisions, based on the profit margin for their company.
11. I’m voting Republican because everyone in America already has health care, or should pay for it on their own.
12. I’m voting Republican because I want to make sure to dismantle that pesky wall between church and state; as long as it’s a Christian church, that is.
13. I’m voting Republican because I support illegal wars, based on faulty intelligence, against countries that didn’t attack us first.
14. I’m voting Republican because I believe that voting is only for a privileged few, and that voting should be controlled by corporations.
15. I’m voting Republican because I believe that the government should be able to secretly listen to my private phone calls, read my letters, e-mails, or find out what books I’m checking out of the library, all without oversight.
16. I’m voting Republican because I believe that only certain people have a right to habeas corpus in our court system ... again, going to back to those pesky amendments!
17. I’m voting Republican because I think the Constitution is a dead document that should only be read in terms of 19th century America; therefore, I support the return of counting African-Americans as 3/5 of a person, that women shouldn’t vote, and that the loser of our presidential election should automatically be vice-president.
18. I’m voting Republican because shredding the Constitution in the name of safety and fear is a great idea.
19. I’m voting Republican because it’s okay for America to torture people.
20. I’m voting Republican because I believe building our economy on liquefied fossils is a smart idea … they will never run out!
21. I’m voting Republican because blowing off the tops of mountains, and piling the detritus into valleys and streams is a great way to mine for coal, and we have an endless supply of land.
22. I’m voting Republican because I believe the system of checks and balances we learned in middle school is a fluke; that there should be one all-powerful executive branch (unless, of course, the president is a Democrat, which is why we need corporate-owned voting machines).
23. I’m voting Republican because I want to force my moral standards on everyone else in the country, especially those of other religions or beliefs.
24. I’m voting Republican because I believe that government should be monitoring the private actions of two consenting adults in the privacy of their own homes.
25. I’m voting Republican because a loving couple should have no business wanting to make each other’s medical decisions, or visit each other in a hospital, or leave an inheritance to the other when one passes, unless I approve of the relationship first.
26. I’m voting Republican because the more rich people we have in this country, the better off we will be.
27. I’m voting Republican because the middle class was only a temporary after-effect of FDR’s New Deal, and that we don’t really need to protect their interests any longer.
28. I’m voting Republican because our country and planet can take more pollution, more contamination, more warming, because it’s just part of nature, and not man made.
29. I’m voting Republican because federal budget deficits just don’t matter.
30. I’m voting Republican because declaring a war for oil was a great idea; and letting corporations into the country afterwards gave those businesses billions of unaccountable dollars.
31. I’m voting Republican because I don’t believe that workers need a minimum wage, and that corporations should be free to pay as little as they need to for work, like Wal-Mart, to keep prices low for me.
32. I’m voting Republican because Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Jack Abramoff, Alberto Gonzales, Paul Wolfowitz, and President George W. Bush are just great guys.
33. I’m voting Republican because I approve of the way the government handled the hurricane Katrina disaster, and I think its great it took days for federal help to arrive to the starving, thirsty people of New Orleans.
34. I’m voting Republican because I believe a variety of viewpoints, and intellectual discourse, has no place in the Oval Office; there should be one infallible decider.
35. I’m voting Republican because we need to maintain our white, Christian, male dominated, English speaking society for the benefit of our diverse society.
36. I’m voting Republican because after twelve years of Republican rule in Congress, and eight years of Republican executive rule, the fundamentals of our economy are strong (not including the present bailout, the mortgage crisis, the stock market crisis, the increasing unemployment, or the golden parachutes by several CEOs).
37. I’m voting Republican because equality – economic, class, gender, sexuality, racial – doesn’t matter.
38. I’m voting Republican because I don’t believe that an elite, college Constitutional law professor, who came from humble origins and worked his way up to Harvard, and who inspires hope in millions of people ignored by the last administration has any business leading our country.

Granted, some of those reasons are "better" than others, but as a list of reasons that people can give, it seems pretty exhaustive. Have another reason? Let me know!

Hayden Panettiere Explains Why We Should Vote for McCain

Heroes' Hayden Panettiere explains why we should all vote for Sen. McCain:



Update (October 24, 2008): For some reason, the original embedded video wouldn't load, so I replaced it with a version uploaded to YouTube.

John Stewart Takes on "Real America"

I just came across these excerpts from The Daily Show. Wow!

Another Funny Campaign Video

Here is yet another funny campaign video, this time from the Ohio Democratic Party:

Good to See That McCain and Obama Can Keep a Sense of Humor

Last night in New York City, Sen. Obama and Sen. McCain upheld a quadrennial tradition (marred in 2004 by the Catholic Church's concerns about Sen. Kerry's support for abortion rights) and spoke at the Al Smith Memorial Foundation dinner. Both Sen. McCain and Sen. Obama were very funny and were good sports as they joked with and about one another. Sen. Clinton may have had the best laughs of the evening. And, while I think that Sen. Obama won all three debates, I think that I just might have to give Sen. McCain a slight edge when it comes to stand-up comedy. Here are videos of their speeches:

Obama is to X as McCain is to Y

Yesterday, I suggested that it might be fun to have a contest to design graphics comparing Sen. Obama (and Sen. Biden) to Sen. McCain (and Gov. Palin). I decided to take up my own challenge:

Let me know what you think. Better yet, send me your version!

Sarah Palin's Debate Flowchart and Bafflegab

I found this terrific flow chart depicting Gov. Palin's debate response methodology:

And, just in case that weren't enough fun, I was also directed to a word that describes, quite well, her method of answering questions: Bafflegab. What is bafflegab, you ask? Well, I could describe it as the type of answers that we heard Gov. Palin give Katie Couric. Or I could give the true definition of the word:

Multiloquence characterized by consummate interfusion of circumlocution or periphrasis, inscrutability, and other familiar manifestations of abstruse expatiation commonly utilized for promulgations implementing Procrustean determinations by governmental bodies.

Next time you get confused listening to Gov. Palin, just think to yourself that you, unlike many others, can put a word to her speech patterns. How lucky.

Is This What Biden's Debate Prep Looked Like?

I just came across a hilarious slideshow speculating on what Sen. Biden's preparations for tonight's debate with Gov. Palin might have looked like. Take time for a few chuckles before tonight's spectacle.

A Little More Campaign Humor

I came across one more funny video that makes a nice companion piece to today's earlier post. So, without further ado, here's the Daily Show's take on some of the current election issues:

I think that Karl Rove's thoughts should be replayed over and over and over. And to see Bill O'Reilly's hypocrisy front and center ... priceless.

Some Campaign Humor

Just to throw a little levity into the election season, my wife found a couple of terrific videos worth spending a few minutes watching:

You've probably heard (over and over and over) Katy Perry's song "I Kissed a Girl". Well, here's an alternate take (let the video load and then forward to about 1:32 -- the first minute or so isn't worth watching):

Did you wonder what it must have been like when Sen. McCain asked Gov. Palin to join him on the Republican ticket:

And in the grand tradition of Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone, we have The Ballad of Sarah Palin:

Finally, even Steven Colbert had a bit of fun with Gov. Palin's nomination (be aware of profanity at the very beginning of the video and you can probably stop watching at 4:00 when it starts incorporating some footage from The Family Guy cartoon):

The Onion Finds a Reader in Indiana

This one was simply too good to pass up...

Area Eccentric Reads Entire Book

GREENWOOD,IN—"Instead of spending hours on YouTube every night, Mr. Meyer, unlike most healthy males, looks to books for gratification," said one psychologist.

Thanks to LibraryThing for alerting me to this article.